November 15, 1966
...I am nonexistent.
No, absolutely gone (gesture above). I realize it's absolutely useless to want anything and that nothing gets done.... Nonexistent. See the time, it's 10:45. I have given up. I am just a robot good for signing papers, that's all. Whether I want or don't want... Of course, “I” stopped wanting long ago, but anyway, for me to express a necessity is absolutely useless. Absolutely.
I am truly gone.
Don't go away!
Oh, it doesn't matter. This (Mother points to her body) is still here!
You know, one thing upon another, one upon another, in every field: I see what must be and what is true, and everything, but everything, combines for it to be otherwise, so... (same gesture of withdrawal above). I am not going to worry myself sick! – I withdraw. I become the Witness again.
One really doesn't understand the Grace.
I think no one can understand it!
Listen, just this morning I received a note asking me, “Why doesn't the Truth act?” I am going to read you my answer.... It's always the same (it's the continuation of a whole exchange of letters):
“...It is obvious that the solution lies in the Truth.”
So why the delay?
“Because the Truth is supremely destructive of Falsehood and ill will; were It to act at once on the world as it is, little of it would remain.... It is patiently preparing its advent.”
It's true, I feel this: the resistance is so TOTAL that were “That” to go like this (gesture of descent on the earth), nothing would be left!
But for those who are on the right side, of course it's actively with them.
(Mother gives Satprem flowers)
You don't understand the Grace?... You'll see, one day you will understand it.
It's not that I understand it, but I mean that “one” doesn't understand it.
“One”!... (Mother laughs) Mon petit, I am going to be very crude: “one” doesn't care a hoot!
I mean the grace of your presence here.
Oho! (Mother laughs) Oh, if that's what you mean, “one” doesn't care two hoots!
There is very strongly – very strongly – the sensation of a Power... the sensation that the descending Power is so awesome in comparison with... Oh, in comparison how small, flimsy, without force, without generosity, without breadth everything seems! You know, I see a considerable number of people: now and then something like a very thin ray or a drop of That falls, and the person who's there starts trembling! Without knowing why, he starts trembling. So?...
And it happens constantly.
Only the children don't. They are so innocent. There's this little Asha who comes every morning. (She is the one who decided, I wasn't supposed to say no! She said, “I am coming.”) She comes every morning. In the beginning she used to do a “pranam,” but a serious one: she would remain there, rolling her head on my feet! But now she has found something else: she comes, doesn't say a word to anyone, looks at the people in the room, and when she sees everybody very busy, she slips under my table, catches hold of my hand, and then begins to play with it – kissing it, turning it, pulling it. Then when she has finished this side, she comes to the other side! And with such lovely joy and trust, so lovely, so trusting: “Oh, how a-mus-ing this is!”
Children are like that.
Others, when they come in, instantly start howling. They come in and can't stand it: they can't, they refuse, it's a sort of rage that comes into them (they are very few).
But they are very spontaneous. Those who are here come and cling tight to my knees, they turn and roll and don't want to leave again!
It called to mind certain experiences of long ago (right at the beginning, at least two years before coming here for the first time). I didn't know Sri Aurobindo, but I knew the “Cosmic” and was studying, working earnestly at occultism (I didn't yet know Théon, either). I was deep in my own experiences. That was in Paris. I used to go about by bus or by the metro, and there were people (it didn't happen just once but quite a few times), for instance a woman with her child: the child would abruptly leave his mother (three- or four-year-old children, very young, just beginning to run) and come to me. It happened several times. As for me, I was simply in my meditation, unaware of anything or anyone. All of a sudden a child would tear himself away from his mother and come, poff! and cling to me like that, clutching my knees. Then the mother would beg my pardon, thinking (Mother laughs) it was quite ill-mannered! But I would say, “No, that's quite all right!”
I remember, it happened several times. And my impression was that when I was tranquil, something (which wasn't human at all) was there, quietly acting through me (I wasn't even occupied with it) and doing it. That was my very clear impression. I even did some experiments at that time. For instance, once, in a bus, there was a man who was tense and weeping; you could see he was utterly wretched. Then without stirring, unnoticed, I saw that “Force” going out towards that man, and little by little, his face relaxed, everything calmed down, he grew quiet. This also happened several times. And that's how I knew... Because at the time I wasn't very well informed yet; I always felt the Power up above, but didn't know what it was – there was a “Force” that would come like that and act quietly. It's the same thing now, but fully conscious. It's the same thing: something that takes hold of the body. The body participates (meaning that it doesn't at all feel it's “acting,” it almost doesn't feel itself), it's only aware of a... oh, so warm, so sweet a vibration, and at the same time so ter-ri-bly powerful! It comes like that, and the body doesn't need to want or try or anything: it doesn't think, doesn't strive, doesn't stir (Mother makes a gesture of bathing wholly in the Lord): it's spontaneous and natural.
Sometimes, when it's tired or something isn't quite all right or... (that always comes from a contact with outside; afterwards I see, I know what the cause was, but while it's happening there is simply a discomfort or a disorganization), then, oh, it's exactly like a child's trusting abandon in... something... which is everywhere, around it, inside it, there, like this (enveloping gesture). And the body's aspiration is just, “May That alone exist.” All the rest... oof! it's nothing at all, a nuisance. “May That alone exist.... If That alone existed, what a marvelous world this would be!”
That's how it feels. All the rest is either a bother or deeply ridiculous. Oh, often it's so ridiculous! At any rate, so flimsy, so dry, like a bad performance. And what becomes quite comical, truly amusing and comical is... (Mother puffs up her cheeks) when the ego swells up! Oh, then...! The egos that assert themselves, that come and tell you, “I want this, I don't want that, I have decided that...” Oh, mon petit, that's the big fun! And they don't in the least see that they are puppets.
Not last night but the night before, I again spent the whole night with Sri Aurobindo, at least four hours in that subtle physical world. He has quite a beautiful abode there! It's magnificent – magnificent. And it's not fluid: it's very concrete, yet at the same time not fixed! It has a suppleness that adapts to all necessities. It's really interesting.
But it's still a phase of preparation and adaptation: it's not final. It's not final: there are experiments, trials. It's extremely supple, it's in a phase of formation, as though it were preparing for a manifestation, or rather, “learning” to be what it must be. It's very interesting.