May 28, 1966
(Mother takes her face in her hands and looks exhausted.)
Are you all right?
Are YOU tired?
No, it's worse than tired, it's worse....
A whole work of adjustment is going on, which has become very, very difficult, very difficult (Mother makes a gesture of churning).
I am practically unable to eat any longer, I force myself, otherwise all I would do is drink. And it's not caused by the stomach, it's not that, it's... (same gesture of churning).
I don't feel tired, but I've had for a long time and increasingly (the last few days it has become very acute) the impression of walking forward, moving on (gesture in a precarious balance), and that the slightest false step would hurl me into the chasm. I seem to be on a ridge between two chasms.
And that's something going on in the body's cells. There's nothing moral to it, nothing even to do with sensation.
One is compelled to constant vigilance. The slightest slackening, you know, is... catastrophic.
So I'll see you on Thursday? Well, I hope it'll be over and I'll be out of it!
The consolation is that the Supreme's action is growing increasingly clear and evident. You know, I am like a speck of... ([Mother makes a gesture in the hollow of a Hand] how can I explain it?...) of dust, but a dust that suffers, that's the trouble. Very sensitive. But the play of forces is growing increasingly clear and powerful, and over an increasingly extensive field. And directly HERE [in matter], with extraordinary precision and force. It's a consolation.
Let's just not bother about it.