October 2, 1960
This wonderful world of
delight waiting at our
gates for our call
to come down upon
This world of Delight above us is waiting – not for us to be ready but for us to accept, for us to condescend to receive it!
This is what I am looking at in this photograph.2
In fact, this is what I am pulling down.
My nights contain so many things that I don't always do the necessary work to remember – that takes up a lot of time. Sometimes I get up during the night and sit there recalling precisely everything that has already happened, but that sometimes takes half an hour! – and as urgent work still calls, I don't take the time to remember and it gets erased. But then, you know, with all that's coming you could write volumes!
From a documentary standpoint, my nights are getting quite interesting. In the Yoga of Self-Perfection, Sri Aurobindo describes precisely this state you reach in which all things assume meaning and a quality of inner significance, clarification of various points, and help. From this point of view, my nights have become extraordinary. I see infinitely more things than I saw before. Before, it was very limited to a personal contact with people. Now... In my nights, each thing and each person has the appearance, the gesture, the word or the action that describes EXACTLY his condition. It's becoming quite interesting.
Of course, I much prefer being in my great currents of force – from a personal standpoint, such immensity of action is much more interesting. But these documentary things are also valuable. It is so tremendously different from the dreams and even the visions you have when you enter certain representative realms of the mind (which is what I used to do). It is so different, it has another content, another life altogether: it carries its light, its understanding, its explanation within itself – you look, and everything is explained.
It always gives me the feeling that I am shrinking a little, but it's interesting. And it's useful, for I am constantly moving about and doing things with people; it indicates to me what I have to say and do with each one. It's useful. But all the same, I miss the fullness and joy of the more impersonal Movement of forces.
Before going to bed, sometimes I say to myself, “I will do what is necessary to spend my night in these great currents of force” (because there is a way to do it). And then I think, “Oh, what an egotist you are, my girl!” So sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't – when there's something important to do, it doesn't happen. But all I have to do is concentrate in a certain way before going to sleep to spend my whole night in these... very far from here, very far... I can't say very far from the earth, for surely it's in an intermediate zone between the forces from above and the earth's atmosphere. That's what it mainly is, in any case. It's a great universal current as well, but mainly it's what descends and comes onto the earth, and it is permeating the earth's atmosphere all the time, all the time, and it comes with this wide, overall vision – it makes for wonderful nights... I no longer bother about people at all – at least not as such, but in a more impersonal way.
I have been pestered my whole life by... something similar to the sense of duty without its stupidity. Sri Aurobindo had told me that it was a “censor,” that I had with me a “considerable” one! It was constantly, constantly telling me, “No, it's not like that, it's like this... Oh, no! It's wrong to do that; be careful, don't be egotistical; be careful – do this, do that.” He was right, but I sent it away long ago – or rather, Sri Aurobindo sent it away. But there remains the habit... of not doing what I like. Rather, of doing what MUST be done, and whether it's pleasant or not makes no difference.
This, too, Sri Aurobindo had explained to me. I used to tell him, “Yes, you always speak of life's ‘delight,’ life for the sake of its delight.” But as soon as I had the notion, as soon as I was put in the presence of the Supreme, it was: “For You – exclusively what You want. You are the sole, the unique and exclusive reason for being.” And that has remained, and this movement is so strong that even when... you see, now I have ecstasy and ananda in abundance – everything comes, everything. But even then, even when that is there, something in me always turns towards the Supreme and says, “Does this TRULY serve You? Is it what You expect of me, what You want from me?”
This has protected me from all seeking for pleasure in life. It was a wonderful protection, because pleasure always seemed so futile to me – yes, futile; for the sake of your personal satisfaction. Later, I even understood how foolish it is, for you can never be satisfied – though when you're small you don't yet know that. I never liked it: “But is it really useful, does it serve some purpose?” And I still have this attitude in regard to my nights. I have this widening of the consciousness, this impersonalization, this wonderful joy of being above... all that. But at the same time I also have, “I'm here in this body, on earth, to do something – I mustn't forget it. And this is what I have to do.” But probably I'm wrong!...
I'm waiting for the Lord to tell me clearly.
But when I say that, I always see Him smiling – a smile... it's all very good to smile, but... it encourages you more than it cures you!
1 Text written by Mother in French and English; it became the New Year's Message for 1961.
2 A photograph of Mother that accompanied the 1961 New Year's Message.