July 10, 1959
Letter to Mother from Satprem,
once again in Pondicherry
Pondicherry, July 10, 1959
Please excuse me, but I cannot come to meet you. My heart is broken. I would not know how to speak to you.
A moment ago I barely found the strength not to kill myself. Destiny has repeated itself once again, but this time it was not I who rejected her, as in past existences, it is she who rejected me: “Too late.” For a moment, I thought I was going to go crazy too, so much pain did I have – then finally I said, “May Thy Will be done,” (that of the Supreme Lord) and I kept repeating, “Thy Grace is there, even in the greatest suffering.” But I am broken, rather like a living dead man. So be happy, for I will never wear the white robe that Guruji gave me.
You will understand that I do not have the strength to come to see you. My only strength is not to rebel, my only strength is to believe in the Grace in the face of everything. I believe I have too much grief in my heart to rebel against anything at all. I seem to have a kind of great pity for this world.
Well, this time I shall remain silent.