June 17, 1959
(Letter to Mother from Satprem)
Rameswaram, June 17, 1959
I have received your card of the 13th. I dare not write, for everything is too confused as concerns the immediate realities.
The only thing that affirms itself with a certitude and a greater and greater force is my soul. I cling to It with all my strength. It is my only refuge. If I did not have that, I would throw my life overboard, for the outer circumstances and the immediate future seem to me impossible, unlivable.
I was touched by your blessings for Sujata and myself. But there lies another impossibility.
These last days I have come to realize that to blame all my “crises” on the hostile forces is perhaps to oversimplify things. I understand better and better, for in my suffering, my soul is all I have and I rely on that alone; otherwise I could never bear all that I have borne, all that I still bear. I understand, too, that there was also a truth in the force which periodically impelled me to leave, the truth of that destiny in me which is not fulfilled in the Ashram.
Mother, I have suffered so much and prayed so much this last while that I am sure my soul cannot but arrange circumstances in such a way that somehow I may live at last – that somehow EVERYTHING may truly become reconciled: not later on or “one of these days,” but soon – for it cannot go on any longer; I am at my end.
Mother, I have prayed with so much truth in my heart that I am sure the gods will come to help me, and that you will help me, too. I think not only of Sujata, but of all these destinies that are being stifled within me.
P.S. Yes, I too am sure that the “great secret is to give oneself,” but perhaps this can be too easily misunderstood, and I do not believe that “to give oneself” means to mutilate oneself. As for the rest, well, my life obviously belongs to That and is meaningless except for That.
Would you please tell me whether I may really write to my mother that I am coming to see her?