June 13, 1959
(Letter to Mother from Satprem)
Rameswaram, June 13, 1959
I have received your last two letters of the 10th and 11th. I told X what you wrote about this trip to France and that your finances are in an “almost desperate” state. He replied with perfect assurance, “Soon it will increase, very soon it will change.” I am obviously hesitant to accept your generous offer and I do not know what I should do. I had never thought of returning to France, except in a distant future. I don't know why X told me that I should return there, except perhaps because he felt who my mother is. I know that she is sad, that she believes me lost to her and thinks she will die without seeing me again. It would surely be a great joy to her. But other than that, I have no desire to go there, for each time I go to France, I feel like I am entering a prison. Naturally I would be happy for my mother's joy; she is a great soul, but is this reason enough?
X has decided that he wants to speak to you himself about my former existences and about what he has seen for the immediate future. He has therefore asked me to say nothing to you. Perhaps there are also elements he did not want to speak of to me. (X told me that now he feels capable of speaking in English with you.)
Another thing: we happened to talk of Sri Aurobindo and Lele.1 Concerning Lele, X told me, “He was a devotee of the Bhaskaraya School; this is why there is close connection...” I do not know if this is so, but X seemed to know.
For me, the inner things seem to have taken a better turn since X revealed certain things to me, but I prefer to say nothing. I dare not say anything since I know from experience that all this is as unstable as dynamite.
1 Lele: the tantric guru whom Sri Aurobindo met in 1908 and who gave him mental silence and Nirvana.