April 7, 1959
(Letter to Mother from Satprem)
Pondicherry, April 7, 1959
I come to renew before you the resolution that I took this morning at the Samadhi.1
Henceforth, I refuse to be an accomplice to this force. It is my enemy. Whatever form it may take, or whatever supports it may find in my nature, I will refuse to yield to it and will cling to you. You are the only reality: that is my mantra. Anything that seeks to make me doubt you is my enemy. You are the only Reality.
And each time I feel the shadow approach, I will call to you, immediately.
May you never again suffer because of me. O Mother, purify me and open my heart.
P.S. Perhaps it would be good to tell you of the two supports that this force found in me during the most recent attack:
1) The fact that I am plagued by a lack of time and, occasionally, a certain repugnance for mental work. Then the ensuing suggestion: to have a hut in Rameswaram and devote myself exclusively to inner development.
2) I am very pulled – not constantly, but periodically – by the need to write (not mental things) and exasperated by the fact that this Orpailleur is not published because I have not taken the time to carry out certain corrections. When I am in a good mood, I offer all this to you (is it perhaps a hidden ambition? But I am not so sure; it is rather a need, I believe) and when I am not in a good mood, I “fume” about not having the time to write something else.
Please, enlighten me, Sweet Mother.
Wednesday morning, 4.8.59
Satprem, my dear child,
Your resolution came straight to me. I sheltered it in the depths of my heart, and with my highest will, I said, “So be it.”
Just now, I received your letter confirming my experience. It is good.
I read your P.S. and I understand. This too confirms my feeling. I am not happy that you are plagued with work, and especially urgent work that has to be done quickly – it is contrary to the inner calm and concentration so indispensable for getting rid of one's difficulties. I am going to do what is necessary to change this situation. Besides, this is why I have been telling you recently that my work is not urgent. But this work for the Bulletin should stop for the moment.
The other point also has its element of truth – we shall speak of it later.
With all my love, I envelope you, my child, and I tell you, “Have courage, the victory is certain” – not a compromise or partial victory, but integral.
1 Sri Aurobindo's tomb in the Ashram courtyard.