(Letter to Mother from Satprem)
Sweet Mother, for many long months I have been struggling with myself in a painful conflict, and at times I have even felt certain dangers. Finally, I went within myself, into the calm, and it seemed to me that I would do well to go away for a while.
I had thought I could free myself from this conflict by writing a book. But in fact, it is not the mind that needs to be freed, or at least not only that, it is the vital that needs to WEAR ITSELF OUT.
I believe I have a clear mental perception of the goal to be attained, and I no longer doubt the spiritual meaning of my life, but this kind of mental maturity is coming into conflict with a vital that is too “young” and has not yet worn itself out enough on the open road. Here, this vital force has become even more concentrated and is unable to free itself. It is undoubtedly a question of time, of aging. Thus all my energy, especially during the past year, has been spent “negatively,” as it were – in an effort not to leave. This struggle seems to have eliminated all positive effort, even the very meaning of my presence here.
This vital force is no longer seeking a sexual fulfillment nor success in a world it no longer believes in, but it needs to “move,” to come out. Perhaps things would be better if I went to breathe a bit in the Himalayas? I don't want to do anything without your accord, and were I to leave, it would be after the 15th of August.
Sweet Mother, I am writing you all this calmly, without rebellion; but during these past months, the acuteness of the conflict has become so great that at times I feel myself in danger. I am putting all this before you so that you may tell me what is right.
Sweet Mother, I want to remain your child in spite of these difficulties. Forgive me for taking up your time and for being so poorly surrendered.